Well, for our experiences... Tony and I have been married for over 12
years.  It's been "rough" to say the least and terrific to say the most.
We have 3 children, 2 of which are challenged. For over 7 years we've been
racking up frequent flyer miles to and from Holland! <g>

I am like most of the other moms of special kids. Mom seems to be the
information gatherer. I don't believe I volunteered for this
particular position! Since both of us worked full time before the kids were
born (we had 3 years alone. After my daughter was born there was a
slight shift  in job descriptions. Along came Zach. All of his
quirks started coming to light when he was a year old. Then Cory was
born appearing to be nda.  Then "poof" at the age of 2 that all changed.

Whew, it's sort of hard to remember back to those days. Everything was
wrong and I felt as if I had to do everything, taking care of the kids,
being the one to give up the career. I had to do the Dr. visits,
research symptoms....  All that just sort of took up my day;
very little was left for myself or hubby.
I felt like he didn't want to be involved at all. As long as the
kids weren't crying and the house was in order, dinner on the table, etc.

But in reality, what was happening to us could of been really bad!!!!
I thought he was in denial and no longer cared.
He thought that I was too involved and no longer cared.

He said that he felt like I was pushing him away.
When we talked about the boys' medical conditions, it always ended in a fight.
He always made me feel inferior and I always took that as he didn't care.
If he did he would have been right there reading everything with me!
Not questioning "my" opinion. I felt indignant that he had not done
any research. He said that he felt like he was having to "pull teeth"
just to get information.  I was defensive and felt he was "grilling me".
Does that make sense?

Anyway, about 3 years ago things hit the "fan". Finally I just came
out and told him that he could always go to the Dr.'s appointment and ask his own
darn questions. That was the best thing that could have happened, (short of
cures for the boys' conditions, that is.) See, it was a trust and control issue.
I didn't trust him enough to take care of the kids, physically or
medically. I figured if he can't remember to put the seat down,
how the heck is he going to remember all the details in regards to
the boys medications, therapies, etc.. Yes as you can probably tell, I was a
"Oh let me do it... here let me show you how it's supposed to be done."
Well, my hubby really surprised me. Once he started going with us to the Drs.'
appointments. and I stopped feeling superior things gradually got better. He needed
more ABC-type information from the Doctors, whereas I did the research.
But it really worked out great. After we started being a "real" team together,
we ended up having more conversations instead of talking AT each other.

Oh I'd love to say we never disagree on the options for the kids, but that
would be a lie and then some.  I would like to offer a reason we are still together.
The words commitment and trust play a huge part. I'd suggest that the main caregiver
(be it Mom or Dad) give his or her spouse a chance to help. The main caregiver spends
more time and energy with our "challenged children", but that doesn't mean that the
spouse loves the child any less. They may just need more chances to participate
in the child's life.

Well, I think I've spoken too much. I hope this helps give you some insight
on how we are managing this roller coaster lifestyle. Take care and best
wishes from an Elf in TN.

Romona

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